The kids were running around the Story Telling room at the local library, playing with chalk, grabbing each other's toys and generally raising a ruckus. There were only a few of us left, my friend who has a 16 month old, myself with my one year old tornado, and an Argentinian mom with her nanny and a brand new baby girl.With them was her little whirlwind of a boy my friend's daughter's age.
As the Argentinian lady watched the two older kids chase each other around, yelling incomprehensible euphoric orations, she looked at us and said,
"Sometimes, he is so hard to deal with, that I think he is the only one who acts this way!" My friend proceeded to reassure her that all kids act this way and I mentioned that at some point, we all feel that we gave birth to some foreign species; wild and mean and headstrong beyond our capacity to control.
This got me thinking. What were other women's experiences with these behaviors, these emotions? How did they deal with them?
I had the opportunity to speak with a woman already seasoned in the art of childrearing; Rebecca.
I asked Rebecca if she ever felt that her child was the only one who misbehaved, or acted out in an outrageous way.
"Yes!" she said, "Absolutely! I always thought, 'Am I doing something wrong?' I would always turn it back around and blame myself."
I then asked her if she ever worried that the way her child was behaving; tantrums, hitting, stealing toys, was a foreshadowing of her child's future personality.
Rebecca was sometimes afraid that her children would grow up angry, mean and not able to socialize. Or that they would be perceived this way even if it wasn't true.
"Once," she says, "when my first daughter was playing with her cousin, she was being more dominant. She was pushing a little and hitting and her cousins mother says to me, 'oh! she's a little fighter!'. I felt terrible! I didn't want people thinking that of my daughter, she was usually very layed back and friendly."
At times, she did not know what to do.
"It was really, really hard," she says, "there were times when I thought I would lose my mind."
So, where did she turn? How did she get through it?
"I relied a lot on my pediatrician. He would always talk to me about what they should be going through emotionally and would assure me that their behavior was normal. He was a big help. He let me know that they were developing right."
And, as time passed, she encountered other parents with children who were, (who would have guessed?) going through the same things our Rebecca was going through!
I asked her what she felt when she found other kids going nuts.
"RELIEF!" was her answer. "Then, you know you are not alone. All the guilt comes off and you know you are not doing everthing wrong."
Knowing that the behavior is normal is surely a relief but does that make it any easier to deal with?
Not for me. I asked Rebecca to share with us any advice she had for those of us just starting out.
This is what she said,
"You have to pull patience from within. Blowing your top won't solve anything. It will just make you and the baby much more upset. If you feel you are about to lose it, give the baby something to play with or, if someone is with you, let them take the baby for a minute and go take a breather. Don't blow up, whatever you do! Tell yourself 'You can do this, you can do this!'
I know, you probably can't wait for them to grow up a little, but it will always be the same. Even with teenagers! You have to control your temper with them too!
Every stage is part of the learning process of being a mother.
You will get through it."
And so we will.
P.S.
I know Rebecca's children very well. They are wonderful people, not mean or angry at all!
As the Argentinian lady watched the two older kids chase each other around, yelling incomprehensible euphoric orations, she looked at us and said,
"Sometimes, he is so hard to deal with, that I think he is the only one who acts this way!" My friend proceeded to reassure her that all kids act this way and I mentioned that at some point, we all feel that we gave birth to some foreign species; wild and mean and headstrong beyond our capacity to control.
This got me thinking. What were other women's experiences with these behaviors, these emotions? How did they deal with them?
I had the opportunity to speak with a woman already seasoned in the art of childrearing; Rebecca.
I asked Rebecca if she ever felt that her child was the only one who misbehaved, or acted out in an outrageous way.
"Yes!" she said, "Absolutely! I always thought, 'Am I doing something wrong?' I would always turn it back around and blame myself."
I then asked her if she ever worried that the way her child was behaving; tantrums, hitting, stealing toys, was a foreshadowing of her child's future personality.
Rebecca was sometimes afraid that her children would grow up angry, mean and not able to socialize. Or that they would be perceived this way even if it wasn't true.
"Once," she says, "when my first daughter was playing with her cousin, she was being more dominant. She was pushing a little and hitting and her cousins mother says to me, 'oh! she's a little fighter!'. I felt terrible! I didn't want people thinking that of my daughter, she was usually very layed back and friendly."
At times, she did not know what to do.
"It was really, really hard," she says, "there were times when I thought I would lose my mind."
So, where did she turn? How did she get through it?
"I relied a lot on my pediatrician. He would always talk to me about what they should be going through emotionally and would assure me that their behavior was normal. He was a big help. He let me know that they were developing right."
And, as time passed, she encountered other parents with children who were, (who would have guessed?) going through the same things our Rebecca was going through!
I asked her what she felt when she found other kids going nuts.
"RELIEF!" was her answer. "Then, you know you are not alone. All the guilt comes off and you know you are not doing everthing wrong."
Knowing that the behavior is normal is surely a relief but does that make it any easier to deal with?
Not for me. I asked Rebecca to share with us any advice she had for those of us just starting out.
This is what she said,
"You have to pull patience from within. Blowing your top won't solve anything. It will just make you and the baby much more upset. If you feel you are about to lose it, give the baby something to play with or, if someone is with you, let them take the baby for a minute and go take a breather. Don't blow up, whatever you do! Tell yourself 'You can do this, you can do this!'
I know, you probably can't wait for them to grow up a little, but it will always be the same. Even with teenagers! You have to control your temper with them too!
Every stage is part of the learning process of being a mother.
You will get through it."
And so we will.
P.S.
I know Rebecca's children very well. They are wonderful people, not mean or angry at all!
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