What are you afraid of?

When you found out you were going to have a baby, what was your biggest fear? My biggest fear was that...my baby was going to be bored.
In other words, that I wasn't going to be able to provide adequate stimulation. That I would not be a good mom.
After she was born, I was so afraid, I could not even sleep. Afraid she was too cold or too hot, that she wasn't getting enough to eat, that she would stop breathing.
And then I went out in public with her and the fears multiplied on top of each other like dividing cells.
I was of the idea that I had to have to whole mothering thing down pat, smooth and cool like I had been doing it for years. I was afraid of every one's eyes, of what people would say or not say. If one little thing went wrong, if I dropped her blanket or couldn't find her pacifier quickly, I would panic, sure everyone was thinking how unfit I was.
Now, one year later, although I have gotten better at hiding it, my stomach still churns when she screams randomly in public or I can't fold my stroller in one fell swoop.
I asked my self, am I the only one this happens too? I decided to talk to a few other mothers, to see what their experiences have been.
I talked to a woman who's children are already grown, and another who has one child not even two years old yet.
It seems they both went through this fear of judgment and criticism in the beginning. "Nora", the woman with the grown children, commented that along with strangers, family members and friends put a lot of pressure on her to do things a certain way and she always felt she had to live up to their standards, even when they were not around. On top of that, she had conflicting advice coming to her from every corner. She felt she had to act like a stricter parent around some people and a more lenient mom around others.
She always felt the eyes, in the grocery store, in church. She worried if her kids misbehaved that others would think she was a bad mother while, if her child was being especially sweet she would swell with pride thinking everyone around must be praising her. But as time went on, she stopped caring. She became more confident and her focuse internalized, shutting out the messages all those strangers were sending, silently or not.
This was also the case with "Ally", the newer mom. She says,
"I don't care what they think! It's like if I go out in a short skirt. I know what they feel, what they are thinking, but I don't consider it. It doesn't change how I feel, what I want to do".
And as she stopped worrying so much about other people's opinions, she actually started learning a thing or too from mother's at the grocery store.

I asked Ally and Nora if their parenting tactics changed when they were out, depending on who was around. I ask because I always feel I am quicker to reprimand in public, to immediately squelch any possibility of undesirable behavior. Trying to stay below the radar. They both said "Absolutely not!" Sure, sometimes they were uncomfortable, but when it came right down to it, their child was always more important than some nosy strangers. Nora mentioned that she was actually calmer in public, aware that "losing it" with her child would only escalate the situation.

Finally, I wondered if they were still guilty of judging other parents who were having a hard time with their kids.

Nora says,
"In the beginning, if I saw school age kids acting bratty and their parent yelling at them or being inattentive I would say to myself 'My kid will never act like that' but as I started experiencing the same things with my children I started realizing that we all go through the same exact things. Now, when I see parents struggling, I try to send a blessing their way and know that they are doing the best they can." She believes that all parents have some level of insecurity and that judging other parents gives us a false sense of security about what we are doing.

Ally, who works late nights in a restaurant, admits that she scoffs at mothers who take their children out to eat late in the evening when they should be in bed but that most of the time she watches other parents and evaluates herself according to them. If she sees "bad" parenting, she feels like it affirms her own skills while if she sees a child behaving well or doing something stupendous, she asks her self, "what am I doing wrong?"

So I guess I am not alone. It seems like, once I get a little more time under my belt I'll build up a tougher skin. Right now I suppose I just feel like a novice (which I am) but that I have to prove myself at the same time. I leave myself open to suggestions but then take them as insults, jabs at my mothering. But, again, it seems the only remedy is time. Time to find out that I am not, after all, inept.
What do you think of this? Did you have similar experiences or do you have something different to share? Why do you think we judge and are so sensitive to the judgment of others? If you don't have kids, do you still encounter these feelings in your daily life when it comes to you, your way of being? Please comment or email your responses!
You can email me by visiting my full profile. I would love to hear your stories.