Some days are like that

Sometimes, my neighbor says, when she opens her eyes in the morning, they fill with tears. She has to get up to ready her four year old for the pre-school bus and care for her brand new three month old baby. Big deal, right? She's not alone, she's not poor, (well, some on Park Ave. may think so, but we do all right.) She has two beautiful kids and a husband who loves her and helps out. So, what's the problem? Why the tears?
I don't know the answer. What I do know, is that when she told me this, I knew exactly how she felt. Some days are like that and I thought I was the only one, that something was wrong with me. I don't understand it. I think that sometimes you just feel lost. From the moment you get up you are worrying about other people. For every second, even while you are peeing. And most of the time, this is cool. I like to feel needed, I love to know that my daughter wants to be with me, and that my husband still finds me sexy. But there is no retreat. No time in a room all by myself when no one even notices I am missing. No wandering a book store alone or taking a nap in the afternoon.
We have tried to find solutions for this. But, a lot of times, the only way my husband can help me is with me talking him through it. I try to have some alone time while my husband watches the baby but he more often than not comes to find me because he "doesn't know what's wrong with her". It lasts about five minutes. It's like being in the spotlight for twenty four hours a day. Sometimes I just want to retreat into the wings.
But no one else knows the part except me.
Of course, things do not have to be like this. I could go to work and hire a day care or a nanny. I could use the Ferber method on my daughter and let her cry while I relax in another room. I have made my choices about my life and this is why things are this way. I am not a victim, at all. Many days I am proud, productive and happy. But some days are like that. Some days I just feel like I barely have enough. It seems like I can't collect energy in the spotlight. I need to retreat, to gather up what I need to give it my all. I'm still struggling with how to do this, though. It's all right, this is all still fairly new.
The magazines talk about hiring a baby-sitter while you take a long, luxurious bath or taking a yoga class. Obviously, this doesn't work for everyone. And, I don't have any tips right now on how to keep your sanity. It's different fore every one's situation. All I can say is that, I sometimes feel like crying too and not to feel bad. Just cry. Maybe after you do, you'll find some clarity.