Addicted to Approval

My husband is beautiful. When he gets attention, he definitely likes it. However, I have never told him how cute I think he is. I should, but I haven't, and his confidence and self worth has never wavered since we've gotten together. If he gets a compliment, he tells me about it and laughs. If he doesn't, he doesn't wonder why.
He never says,
"Do you like this?" in regards to his personal appearance or things that he does. He gives one hundred percent when he does something, whether he's doing his hair or building a shed. (He spends much more time doing his hair than I do). He's vain, yes, but he is not looking for approval. I know this because when I used to ask him why he worried so much about his appearance, or why it took him so long to chop onions, he actually said these words,
"Everything I do, I like to do well. It makes me feel good. Otherwise, there is no reason to do it."
Hm.
Then there is me. A large part of my communication with people goes like this:
"Did you like the food?"
"How do I look?"
"Did you read my blog? Did you like it?"
"Are you mad at me?"
"What do you think?"
"Look what I did!"
I don't do things for the joy of doing them. I do them so that other people can tell me how great I am. I need approval. If I don't get it, I think that I am useless.
And then there is my daughter. She is eight months old. Right now, she does not notice praise. When she crawled for the first time, I clapped and was obviously really excited and happy. The next day, she crawled again. I watched silently. She went a little further. Each day, she crawled further, faster, and I did not praise her once. I was happy, yes, ecstatic, but this is not what motivated her. What motivated her was an innate desire to learn and explore. We are all born with this desire but in many of us it is over taken by a learned desire for approval and everything around us feeds it.
Gold stars, A pluses, trophies and metals, competitions (who is the fastest, who wrote the best poem), getting paid for what you do, selling screenplays, getting signed for a record deal, winning America's Next Top Model, getting hired, getting casted. We feel that our purpose is to be the best at something.
An example I have is my neighbor's little boy. When he would come over to visit, I would give him crayons and paper. He is so addicted to praise that he would not even draw pictures. He would just make a mark on the paper and then look at me expectantly. When he was learning to write, if he drew, let's say, the "D" backwards and I told him that it went the other way, he would leave, or hide.
But babies don't want to be the best baby of the year. They don't want to be the fastest crawler. The first to cut a tooth. Likewise, they have no qualms about creating a scene in a library or farting during Sunday mass. They would never say to themselves, "What will people say?". When they get older, they don't want to draw pictures so that they will win prizes, they do it because it makes them happy. Neither do they worry about hurting any one's feelings if they do not like the food that was prepared. But as we get older, we learn to control ourselves and our bodies when in public and to use tact when presented with something that is far from our favorite. It is important to learn respect for other people's feelings. Not passing gas in the movie theater is more about respect than self-consciousness. Unfortunately, the tactics that are used to teach these things also teach us that other people's approval is how we should measure our self-worth.
If I burp in a fancy restaurant and my mother says "You are disgusting" or even "Don't do that, it's disgusting", I am not learning that I should be respectful of others; I am learning that my behavior displeases my mother. So next time, I might wait until we leave the restaurant and say "Aren't you happy? I didn't burp during dinner!" And then she will say, "Yes! You are such a good girl!" and from now on, everything I do will be aimed at getting someone else to tell me that I am good, that I have made them happy instead of doing things that make me feel good and make me happy.
So maybe it would help more if she said " Let's not make too much noise, so everyone can enjoy their dinner. If you have to burp, cover your mouth with your hand and say 'Excuse me'".

It's gonna happen anyway. When she goes to school, everything will be geared toward getting the highest score and doing things that make the teacher say "Good job!", "Great drawing!", "Excellent paper". But if I do the same thing at home, her need for praise will be that much stronger. So, maybe, if she comes to me with a clay heart that she shaped, instead of saying, "Oh, that's wonderful!", I can say, "You made a heart out of clay! Was that fun? " So now, instead of shaping her to do things to get a reaction from me, I am making her think about how she feels about what she has done. I don't think it's evil to say "It's wonderful". But it may not do any good.
For now, I'll show my excitement when she does something new because I want to express my joy but then I will let her continue on her way. If she learns to put the square block in the square hole, I'll smile to my self and let my heart swell and then give her another square block without saying anything. My expressions of love should come consistently but not as a reward. Outside influences are inevitable, but, for a long time, I will be the strongest influence. She should know that she should not do things that hurt others but I would like to help her keep the belief she was born with: that life is about finding her happiness, not about causing it in others.

Sources: Whole Child, Whole Parent by Polly Berrien Berends, Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff and these links:

http://www.todaysparent.com/schoolage/article.jsp?content=20061003_165740_408&page=1

http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html