Love

Recently, a very dear friend of mine expressed (among the many worries in her daily life) that she was afraid she was not holding her 7 month old daughter enough.
That is a very rough, and very familiar feeling.
The mountains of things one has to do, the guilt while doing them that you are not giving your child enough attention, and then the guilt you feel when you do just settle down with your child for a while because you are not "getting anything done".
What do you do? You are never relaxed. Even relaxation is work because you are spending so much energy feeling guilty.
I shared with her that I go ahead and schedule in time to just be with my daughter. I say, "After I'm done with such and such, I'm going to sit on the bed with my daughter for exactly 30 minutes." This is a good time frame because she's usually sick of me by that time and we both feel refreshed.
I also referred her to this passage in one of my favorite books,
Whole Child, Whole Parent by Polly Berrien Berends

"Behold the child not as a burden or a body in need or a responsibility too great or a cherished possession, but as an expression of love. Behold yourself the same way, acknowledging that love is bearing you up and flowing through you unendingly. Then no matter what has to be done, allow yourself to be peaceful. Hold or don't hold the child, whichever seems most harmonious. But be very honest."

She also suggests that a baby may be restless or cranky as a direct result of our restlessness.

"...it tends to be very difficult in the early days of parenthood, when our lives are so suddenly different and we are worried about our ignorance as parents. We are constantly fretting mentally, so the child may continue to be restless."

I guess the idea is that if you are peaceful, no matter what you are doing, your baby will be peaceful as well. But it is very hard to be peaceful! Especially when it feels like you are doing everything wrong. And it seems like the baby is all right but as soon as you start some task, she cries to be picked up. So we get frustrated. Why can't I just do this one thing? Well, I discovered something which I know is nothing new but could be sometimes forgotten in the throes of day time chaos.
I just pick her up and hug her or dance around with her for a few minutes. Just one minute. One. And she's ready to get down and play alone and I can continue with what I was doing for a while, until she needs me again. She just needs to feel me for a while. And who doesn't want a few breaks while doing boring chores?
And this sure beats begging her to calm down or to wait, which she of course won't understand. And saves more time, believe it or not.
Ms. Berends has something to say about this as well.

"It will be suggested to you that the baby is manipulating you and that you are spoiling him. Don't believe it. If you start to believe a power struggle is going on, lose. He doesn't know anything about power struggles If you start a power struggle with him, even if you win, you lose. Especially if you win, you lose. Because in the process he will have learned that power struggle is. So just hang in there and seek a still and loving consciousness, this stillness of mind into which love pours itself. Let the problems fall away...let be."

This may sound like "easier said than done". It is actually much easier to get angry.
But it is a good school of thought to back to when we do feel we are about to go off the deep end. And isn't it worth a try instead of staying stuck in stress and maybe even resentment?
The school of thought that, whatever it is you are doing, even if you are busy, send your baby love, and the rest will fall into place.
Not easy, but straight forward and very, very effective.